The Oxford Comma? – Actually, you’re all wrong

Thug: “You should always use the Oxford comma!”

Oaf: “No you shouldn’t!”

All right, all right, calm down lads. Don’t fall out over it, eh?

You might have heard this kind of altercation on “the streets”, as crazed grammar bandits spit their heated comma quarrels at each other with impunity.

But that’s not fair, is it? We don’t have to stand by as their wrath wafts over us, like a fog of fury, do we? No!

But what do we need to confront this dogmatic dispute? An opinion?

Actually, no – everyone you ever spoke to who had an opinion on the Oxford comma has been wrong. Dead wrong – yeah, that’s right: everyone.

“But Tim, how can that be?” I hear you ask, inaudibly. “Surely someone out there must have figured it out, right?”

Yeah!

<points thumbs at chest>

This guy.

Continue reading The Oxford Comma? – Actually, you’re all wrong

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours — a call for critique

Writers! I seek critique and offer my own unique services in return.

I propose a scheme, if you’re keen, in which we swap stories of similar length and critique the bejeezus out of them, before sending the mutilated corpses of our creative babies back to each other, weeping ourselves to sleep over the deluge of red ink.

I have three tales ready to be torn to smithereens, and suggest a straight swap with anyone who has a story of similar length (let’s say no more or less than 500 words’ difference?), to ensure we’re not exchanging a short story for a Tolstoyan tome.

All three are vaguely horror, while The Pumice Stone opens with a little bit of rude blueness.

Continue reading I’ll show you mine if you show me yours — a call for critique

Within written erotica, I remain a veritable virgin

I’m currently writing a short story unlike anything I’ve tackled before. It’s called The Narcissists (a working title) and, whittled down, it’s essentially a body-swap story, à la Big or Vice Versa, but concerning a married couple – and minus Tom Hanks dancing on a giant keyboard.

The husband is shallow, the wife pretentious, each with their own unique brand of vanity, and their marriage is in tatters. But, one morning, they wake to find themselves in each other’s body.

Initially, there’s plenty of room for hilarity, with anatomical exploration and bewilderment, and gender-based high jinx. But the point of the story was to show how these two people separately find themselves intensely attractive – indeed, as soon as they see themselves as a separate person, they want to screw that person. So they do – they have this bizarre, twisted sex from inside the body of their erstwhile partner, but with themselves.

It’s weird and freaky and as likely to spark arousal as it is a spine-tingling cringe. It’s also a bit odd to write on the tube on my commute – I’ve bought a case for my phone to limit the potential viewing angles of my little, filth-filled screen (you dirty old man).

Continue reading Within written erotica, I remain a veritable virgin

Daring to dream in 2016

What with travelling around Asia for six months, getting engaged to a beautiful woman and starting rightplacerighttim.com, 2015 was a pretty successful year for me. I swam with bioluminescent plankton, explored the ancient temples around Angkor Wat, almost died in a cave, and escaped arrest in Cambodia by bribing a policeman. A proper rollercoaster, all told.

Later, upon our return to the UK, we spent four months sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a friend’s spare room as we transitioned back to the London life. That’s not an easy task with a head full of recent memories of warmer climes, but our hosts’ generous hospitality helped mitigate the holiday blues.

So, as 2015 drifts off into the ether of history, we say farewell and welcome time’s latest incarnation: 2016.

Continue reading Daring to dream in 2016